Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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