He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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