ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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