i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
