Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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