before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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