dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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