i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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