i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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