and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
