yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
