Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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