my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
