I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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