yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We left the knife in your bed.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Randomize
