that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
