Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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