Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
