Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
