the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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