I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
