Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
we have officially lost it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
