i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
