Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
why do cheetos always look like penises
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
