he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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