The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
