When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
