Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
