This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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