my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
