Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
