Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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