every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
