Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
im holly from the hills drunk
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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