My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize