she was so not down for the gang bang
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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