for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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