apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Come on in and take your pants off
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