Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
