hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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