Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
