i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
