I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
