i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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