so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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