Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
