From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Vodka?
Forever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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