My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
