Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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