my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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