Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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