bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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