Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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