Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
