if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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