I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
