Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
