u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Holy sore nipples Batman
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize