bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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