Your mouth is God's brothel.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
