I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
