You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
