So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
