I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
