I think I won the penis lottery.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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