I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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