So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just google imaged poop.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
